Saturday, July 30, 2011

Day Forty Eight - 4/14

I've never been so happy for the weekend in my entire life. As part of Brent's plan I only have to exercise twice on Saturday and Sunday is my 'rest' day with only one workout! Yay!

I wanted to post last night about my day yesterday, I laid on the couch for just a minute and was out. I tried so hard to get up this morning for 8 AM Jazzercise. I set my alarm for 7. I got up at 6 to go to the bathroom and turned the radio on so I wouldn't fall back into a hard sleep. The alarm went off at 7, and I just couldn't move. I just needed a few more minutes. Then it was 8:00. That's ok, Ill make it to 9:30 Jazzercise, just a few more minutes. Then it was 9:30. I had to drag my ass out of bed. My body is angry. Heavy like a rock, slow and tired. When I finally make it to the living room I discover a crew up of men sawing down and digging up trees with bobcats right out side in my yard. I slept through all that.
Now that it was 10:00 and I missed my opportunity for 'easy' exercise, I hemmed and hawed about getting on the elliptical. I got dressed, put my shoes on then sat there. Took my shoes off, sat there some more. I could not make my ass move! Finally somewhere close to 11, I got on and got moving. Got my hour in, then headed to the pool. Got some sun and some extra calories of swimming in. Came home, took a quick nap and got my second work out in.

I feel like all I do is sweat and shower. This exercise is consuming my life! My house is a disaster of dishes and exercise clothes. Socks, tank tops and sweatpants cover the floor as far as the eye can see. I'm glad there is only one workout tomorrow. I will get up, get it done, then get a handle on the house and laundry. I cant wait for Monday to show Brent what is going on with the scale so he can get off this more is better crap. Its not. But I will do anything to prove a point. Even if I lose nothing, I still think I'm pretty awesome for proving to myself that I can do anything if I try.

Thursday, July 28, 2011

Day Forty Six - 2/14 & a Fat Rant

I'm going to take a moment here and go on a fat rant. Unless you are overweight, you have no idea what its like. Just like a man doesn't know what its like to be a woman, a white person doesn't know what its like to be black, you can not for one minute pretend to know what its like to be fat.
Sometimes you see on weight loss shows people put on weighted suits and walk around for a bit to see what its like. Really think about that for a minute. Ever carry a bucket of kitty litter around, carry a tv up a set of stairs. Think about that. Think about 5 buckets of kitty litter attached to you, and then walk up the stairs. And then go grocery shopping. And then get on the treadmill. Unless you have been there, you will never feel that struggle. Of course my body has adapted to it somewhat. But that doesn't mean I move with grace like someone 150 lbs less than me.

Not all fat people want to be fat. Just because someone is fat does not mean they are not working on it. Don't be so quick to judge. Maybe I walk slow, did you know I was up at 5 AM burning 1000 calories while you were sleeping? Maybe I took the elevator down from the second floor at the end of the day. Did you know I was on my way to workout number 3 and I thought my knees were going to burst?
Just because we're fat, doesn't mean were lazy. Just because I appear the same to you today, doesn't mean I am not busting my ass every chance I get.
Just because you kept your weight in check over the years, don't look down upon me for losing control.

Most people probably don't want to be fat, but they don't know where to being. How do you feel with 20 items looming over you on your to-do list? How would you feel if it was 180 items?

Moral of the story: Don't assume you know what a person is or isn't doing, is or isn't capable of, can or can not give more. Don't tell me I don't work hard, when you have never been there to witness one drop of sweat come off my face.
When you see a fat person walk by you, don't assume they are not just like you. Because I can guarantee you one thing, that person that thinks all those things above, couldn't make it 3 feet walking in my shoes, forget the mile.

In other news, I made it through day 2 of my 3-a-day workouts! It was tough getting moving this morning. Wenesday I got up at 5:15, was on the ellptical by 5:25. Today I got up at 5:00, was still wandering around at 5:25. I got it done though. By the time workout #2 came around I was ready to go! Workout #3 done, and Im showered and ready for bed. I will sleep like a rock tonight.
I was a little discouraged this morning, I told Brent that if I did not lose weight by Monday I was stopping. He said just worry about Monday when it gets here. Im good with that now. Once I got going, I was ok. The beginning of the day seems so tough when I think about all I have to do. But now here at the end of the day, Im ready to get up and do it all again. The workouts are extreme, the calorie burns are crazy, but I never ever feel better then when I am moving my body. I amaze myself, and that keeps me coming back for more.

Wednesday, July 27, 2011

Day Forty Five - 1/14

Well, I did it. I’m still not sure how I did it but I did. Got up at 5:15 this morning, got on the Elliptical for 60 minutes. Got in 60 minutes of class with Brent at 11. Then finished up the day with 60 minutes on the treadmill at 4.
That 60 minutes really hurts my brain. For some reason I am mentally ok with 40-45 minutes, that extra 15 minutes just kills me! The longest program on my elliptical is 45 minutes. I SO wanted to get off. But 60 means 60, so I carried on. I was ok with the second work out. But I sat here at my desk and wallowed for about 2 hours before the third workout. My legs hurt, Im tired, all kinds of crap. But I went.
The real question is how am I going to get up and do it all again tomorrow?

Now I get to go to school, and try to stay awake through 3 hours of boredom. 5 AM will be here before I know it!

1 day down, 180 minutes, 2953 calories burned.
13 more to go

Tuesday, July 26, 2011

Day Fourty Four - 3

Ok, Im going to need you to sit down, take a deep breath and brace yourself for what you are about to read.
I had my meeting with Brent today. I printed out the entire month of July from MFP so he could see my nutrition. He liked it. He also was ok with what I have been doing lately with increased calories and more good carbs. The only carby things I have added are fruit and oatmeal. Im averaging about 1900 calories a day, he would like it more around 1500-1600, but he is good with anything 1500-2000. Im not worried about lowering them right now as it seems to be working.

Ok, now here is where it gets crazy. He wants me to exercise 3 times a day for the next 14 days. Morning, afternoon and afterwork. Every day. Yeah.
I, dont think it will work. I was telling him about how when I was doing the 2-a-days it seemed like the more I worked the less I lost. He didnt really seem to care about that.
So, Im going to do it. Because #1 That is just what I do, and #2 I am either going to prove to him that my body doesnt work that way or drop some weight. Cant really lose anything besides my sanity.

I guess I am going to start tomorrow. I wanted to start Monday, he was like why wait? Sigh.

Im still trying to wrap my head around it all, what Im going to do, how Im going to do it, how Im going to drag my ass out of bed in the morning. Tomorrow is a school night too. I guess I can walk before I go. If I start tomorrow, day 10 will be next Friday, that's when he wants to weigh me. I'll do this for 14 days, but I don't see any way how I can keep this up long term. This will be a good test to find out how my body works. My nutrition has to be 100% to get real results.

Call me crazy, but I'm about to do 3-a-days.

Friday, July 22, 2011

Day Forty - I Can

Its 10:30 pm, I got out of bed to write this post. That in itself says a lot.

Day 40. I've been waiting a while for this day to come. I don't know why, it seems like some sort of milestone number for some reason. I've been thinking for a few days of what I would say when this day came. How I haven't lost what I wanted to. How this blog isn't turning out as I intended it to be. How this is way more struggle, than journey. Seriously, I did not invite you all to watch me flounder.
But I've also been reminded by some really great people, who get to hear me bitch about the scale every damn day, how much I have done, even if the numbers don't show.

I got on my scale this morning. I was down .4 lbs. Yeah. Somehow this led to not working out with Brent today. I'm sure he will forget by Monday. I was angry, again. I was disappointed, again. But here I am at 10:34 and I'm over it. I'm just not going to let a metal piece of junk dictate my progress. I'm not weighing anymore for a while. Maybe just on the first of each month.

So I got up out of bed to tell you that I cant lose 20 pounds to save my life, but here is what I can do:
Walk on the treadmill at a 9 incline for an hour without dying
I can squat, plank, row, snatch, clean and press, no that's not ironing, I don't even own one.
I can keep up with people half my weight.
I can make new friends because people seem to gravitate to me when they see I can keep up with people half my weight.
I can choose salad and shit over a dinner at Maggianos.
I can cry, I can complain, sometimes even swear.
I can fill a t shirt with sweat and tears.
I can stay on an elliptical until I burn 1000 calories.
And I can still keep going after that.
I can inspire, I can motivate, I can set an example.
I can be so sore that people are telling me I'm walking funny, but I still show up at the gym.
I can run if you make me. Even if you tie me down with a giant rubber band, I'll still get pretty far. Yeah, he did that to me.
I can do hard. Sometimes.
And I can get up and do it all again the next day.

You might know me personally, or you may have just stumbled across this mess, but this is Day 40 and you know that I can.

Thursday, July 21, 2011

Day Thirty Nine

Its been a very busy week. I’m still here, moving right along. Still going to exercise, still dying on the treadmill on a 9 incline. I have switched up my calories this week, and cant wait to see tomorrow if it is working or not. I have not been on my scale at all! I did take a quick look at Brent’s scale the other day, just too see, and it wasn’t bad. I hope tomorrow’s official weigh in goes well.

This week has been a little tough food wise. I find myself eating too much at night time. I need to be able to mentally close the kitchen after dinner, and stay out! I hope next week is better. Then I will have a true weigh in next Friday if I can stay exactly within my plan all week.

I’m feeling better than I was in the beginning of the week. I hope the scale doesn’t ruin that for me tomorrow. Damn that thing for ruling my life.
Oh, and Brent is finally going to meet with my next Tuesday to figure out a new plan of attack. We will see what he comes up with. I might just carry on doing my own thing if he comes with something crazy.

Monday, July 18, 2011

Day Thirty Six

Another Monday, another workout. Wish I could say I feel better about things, but I dont.
I wish I could say a lot of things now, that I lost the 30 lbs I was scheduled to, that things were great.
While my exercise is still solid, I'm finding it harder and harder to make the right food choices. Its so easy to fall back into old habits, especially when you are not feeling too great about yourself. I keep asking myself, what am I supposed to be learning from this? Why is this so much harder than any other time I have tried to lose weight, AND I am trying harder than any other time?
What can I do better? What can I try harder at? How can I move this ship?

Its clear that I am not going to make this great goal Brent set for me by 10/1. That makes me say, why bother? But Ill still bother. Even if I have to half ass it for a few days till my positive attitude comes back.

Friday, July 15, 2011

Day Thity Three - Everybody Hurts

Two workouts yesterday, taking its toll on me today. I’m tired. I’m a big mush mess of tired and frustrated and sad.
Today’s workout consisted of 40 minutes of running the stairs. Brent let me do the elliptical instead, I was pleased. Pretty sure I could not have done another day of that treadmill on 9 again.

This song came on, I was all alone. It was ok to cry and I did. A lot.

When your day is long and the night, the night is yours alone,
When you're sure you had enough of this life, well hang on.

Don't let yourself go, cause everybody cries and everybody hurts sometimes.

Sometimes everything is wrong. Now it's time to sing along
When your day is night alone, hold on, hold on
If you feel like letting go, hold on
When you think you've had too much of this life, well hang on

Cause everybody hurts. Take comfort in your friends
Everybody hurts. Don't throw your hand. Oh, no. Don't throw your hand
If you feel like you're alone, no, no, no, you are not alone

If you're on your own in this life, the days and nights are long,
When you think you've had too much of this life to hang on

Well, everybody hurts sometimes, Everybody cries.
Everybody hurts sometimes
Everybody hurts sometimes.
So, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on
Everybody hurts. You are not alone

Thursday, July 14, 2011

Day Thirty Two - Undecided

Spent a lovely 40 minutes on the treadmill again at a 9 incline. Today I felt like no matter how slow I went, I couldnt get enough air into my lungs. Usually a few really deep breaths will solve this for more, but it just wasnt working today. It was like the air was thin or something. Weird huh? But you know I kept going and finished strong.

Then sometime after that I got all riled up about exercise. I was thinking if the people on Extreme Makeover are exercising 5 hours a day, I can at least do 2. I can do two-a-days if I really have to, if it will really work. I decided to go straight to Jazzercise from work. Put on my still damp and disgusting sweaty clothes and went.

And then I did some more digging. Is there such thing as too much cardio? They do it all day on Biggest Loser, but who knows what goes on behind the scenes. Mathematically it makes sense to me, the more you burn the bigger your calorie deficit. The bigger the deficit, the more you lose. Somehow that is not exactly working for me. Or is there something I can do better? Can I eat better? Should I eat more? Should I eat less?
I dont know any of these answers. I wish it really was just as simple as calories in and calories out.

I lost weight before, about 65 pounds. Exercising far less, and eating more junk. Maybe it is too much? Pretty sure Brent wont accept that...

I hate having to question myself, I hate that I havent found my groove by now.

Wednesday, July 13, 2011

Day Thirty One - Scale

I’ve been missing. Did you notice? Did you think I fell off? Kinda

At the beginning of my vacation I had a goal to lose 13 lbs in 10 days. I did all that amazing cardio, burning like I have never burned before, killing poor Rhonda, eating tuna instead of pasta. All kinds of great rewarding things. On Friday I was down 9 lbs. I was so ready to show up on Saturday and say Look! Look what I did. But the scale went up a pound instead. I was ok with that, I carried on. Went to jazzercise, ate really good, continued the same schedule. Sunday comes, I’m up another pound. Now Im mad. Why is it the harder I work the less I seem to lose? Is there such thing as too much cardio? Eating too much? Not eating enough? Drinking enough water? SO many things come into play in this little game we call weight loss.
Needless to say, I was kind of depressed. I decided on some ice cream. Cried on the way to get said ice cream knowing I shouldn’t be doing this, but still got ice cream. Monday I was still at the same weight, haven’t been on the scale since.

I talked to Brent on Monday, told him all my great exercise accomplishments, he liked. Then I told him the weight situation, he could clearly see my frustration and disappointment. I want to meet his goals so bad, I think I fear that he would be mad at me if I don’t, but he is not. I just want people to be proud. I put these big goals and dreams out there and I can’t even deliver. It breaks my heart. I want to do this because I want to be healthy obviously, but I really want to follow through on my promise more than anything. I like when people say Good Job, I like when people notice my hard work. If I can’t lose 15 damn pounds, how can anyone be proud? Not everyone seems me busting ass in the gym, so if you can’t see my effort coming through on my body, what have I really accomplished?
He said I have achieved more in this 1 month then I have in the last year. And this is true. Probably the last 5 years. We are going to sit down next week and go over exactly what Im doing and try to figure this thing out. I finished sulking, and I moved on.

It is just such a mind game. I crave the motivation of the scale, seeing it go down every day gives me the drive to keep going. But one bad day, which wasn’t even a bad day, sets me off for string of bad days. I was thinking if I had never weighed myself through out the week until Monday, I still lost a decent amount of weight. It wasn’t my goal, but I still lost.
I think I need to hide the scale, weigh just once a week, maaayybbeee two if Im feeling spry.

This week started a new set of classes with Brent, I’m at least in for the next 12 weeks for free. Then we will see what happens. Monday was ok, Tuesday he made me do the treadmill on a 9 incline for 40 minutes, yuck. Today was pushing my comfort zone. Two minutes on the treadmill at a 7.5 incline, 2 minutes squats, 2 minutes treadmill, 2 minutes chest press, 2 minutes get ups (laying down on the floor and coming to standing, laying back down, repeat), two minutes on the treadmill. All that times 3. The last treadmill run I was pretty sure I was going to puke, but I survived. I always do.

Friday, July 8, 2011

Day Twenty Six - 1000

I joined a challenge on MFP, we are on teams rowing about boat around the world! For every 50 calories you burn, it moves your boat 1 mile. Today was a double mile day! So 50 calories is 2 miles. I set off on a mission. A mission to burn 1000 calories, but turns out that would only be 40 miles, so I set a new goal for 50 miles or 1250 calories.
I figured if I just did 842 calories on the elliptical, I could do 1000 calories. I gave Rhonda a pep talk and off I went. I chose that same 45 minute program, and was moving right along. With 20 minutes left I had only burned 400 calories, I need to pick up the pace. I started doing intervals of 30 seconds fast as I can, 30 seconds recovery pace. When the 45 minutes was up I was just over 800 calories. I kept going. You knew that right?
57 minutes, 1002 calories.
There was no crying, no pain, no thinking when the hell can I get off. Just sweat and lots of it.

Then I headed to the pool and swam laps for 30 minutes to top of my day. I ended up with 1485 calories total, 59.4 miles!!!
What a great vacation this has been! I couldn't have asked for more sun, sweat or fun!

You can call me The Greatest, or for short just The Greatest

Thursday, July 7, 2011

Day Twenty Five - Tuna

What a day today was. I went to a funeral, got a hair cut and made it to Jazzercise this evening.
I'm tired, that's all I got today.

Well, I guess you may be pleased to know that the funeral lunch was at Maggiano's. I opted to go home and eat tuna. Am I strong or am I strong? As long as the scale keeps moving, it makes it really easy to keep the rock star attitude.

5 more lbs, 4 days left.

Wednesday, July 6, 2011

Day Twenty Four - Swimmingly

Since I wrote my blog earlier than normal I should let you know yesterday ended supremely. After the elliptical I went for a swim, soaked up the sun, drank lots of water and stayed within my calorie goal for the day.
I posted a few days ago that I needed to drop 13 lbs by this upcoming Monday to reach my first goal. I'm happy to report I'm half way there!! Only 6 more pounds to go!! Its probably going to be more difficult the rest of the week, I imagine all the water weight is gone now. But I will keep chugging along. I am now finally back into 'new numbers'. Everything I gained is completely gone and I am now down 2 lbs from my last weigh in with Brent. Saving a post-it update for his scale.

I broke out the Wii today and tried the Gold's Gym Boxing. At first I was like this is so lame, how do people burn calories on this. But once I got away from their little program and broke into the weight loss section I was loving it! I wore my HRM and burned 350 calories in 35 minutes! Not bad if you ask me! I also went to the pool. I walk to the pool, only a few blocks. Then when I get in I walk, swim, tread water, keep moving, for at least 20 minutes. Then I can get out and sun myself. I did that twice yesterday, only once today, it kinda looked like rain.

School tonight, ugh. I really really really dislike this class and this teacher. And because its my very last class ever it makes it so much harder to stay focused. Today is class 4, just 6 more weeks after tonight.

Tuesday, July 5, 2011

Day Twenty Three - I Keep Going

My first real day of vacation! It doesn't count to me if everyone else in the country is off.

I woke up with one goal in mind, get on the elliptical. I own one, have had it for maybe almost 3 years I think. I bought my home in May of last year, I remember using the elliptical once since living here. Poor Rhonda, yes her name is Rhonda. She talks! She says Hi! My name is Rhonda and I will be your trainer today. I lost her talking program for a while, but she is back now!
Anywho, my goal for the day was to get on it. My plan was to burn at least 500 calories per my HRM, but I REALLY wanted 700 calories. Since I haven't been on it in so long I had no idea how long I would last. Yes, I have been doing all this other crazy stuff, but this is a different exercise using different muscles. I remember my very first time using it at the gym I struggled to make 15 minutes. That was kind of what I was expecting today, even though I wanted that really good calorie burn. To help myself reach that goal I posted on MyFitnessPal. If you have never heard of that site, its kind of like facebook for the health and fitness world, you should check it out!
I posted that I was about to get on the elliptical and wanted at least a 500 calorie burn, ultimate goal 700 calories. I posted this for my friends to see, so I wouldn't quit when it got hard, and I would stick to my goal. Im so smart....

So I'm on, I'm going. Poor Rhonda is screaming for me to get off. I'm over the weight limit and she lets me know with her creaking and groaning. It is in my second bedroom that doesn't have much in it. Nothing to look at, just walls and ceilings to stare at. Second song on my ipod and I'm ready to cry.
"That that dont kill me, can only make me stronger. I need you to hurry up now, cuz I cant wait much longer. I know I got to be right now, cuz I cant get much wronger."
I can cry now, because no one is here, but I dont. I stick to my lip quiver, deep breathing and I suck it up. Thanks Kanye
I keep going.

20 minutes and 300 calories in my foot hurts, like my shoe is too tight or something.
I keep going.

Then it spreads to my leg, each step something is shooting from foot all the way up through my butt.
I keep going.

500 Calories rolls around. Another song pops up at the right time.
"Struggling is just a part of my day, Many obstacles been placed in my way, I know the only reason that I make it through, Is because I never stop believing in you, Some people wonder why we're here in the first place, They can't believe because they ain't never seen your face
But even when you pray, day to day you gotta try, Cant wait for nobody to come down out the sky, You've got to realize that the world's a test, You can only do your best and let him do the rest, You've got your life, you've got your health, So quit procrastinating and push it yourself"
One of my most favorite songs of all time, I've had those words memorized since 1997 and I repeat them often. Thanks Outkast and CeeLo. See, all rap is not crap!
Im ready to cry again, I think its a combo of hurting and being exciting that Im getting it done.
I keep going.

When I first got on the machine I picked a 45 minute weight loss program because I had no idea how long these 500-700 calories would take me.
I keep going

At about 38 minutes in I reach 700 calories. Well who stops with less than 10 minutes left on the program. Not this girl.

45 minutes and 842 calories.
I did not stop, I did not second guess myself. I kept going. I hurt, I kept going. I cried, I kept going. I damn near killed the machine, I kept going. I want to cry now just writing this, its very emotional to me, I'm proud.


What does 842 calories look like?

Monday, July 4, 2011

Day Twenty Two - I can do better

Happy 4th of July! Hope everyone had a great holiday weekend. I stuck to my plan of early morning exercise and ate pretty well too today. Now I just have to figure out what to do with the rest of the week. Vacation is great, but the lack of schedule kills me. I have 6 days left to lose about 9 lbs. Can it be done? Can I exercise enough? Can I stop snacking on crap at night? Can I do it without someone telling me to? Can I push myself to my limit without Brent this week?

I was looking at my sad post-its that need to be redone since being windblown, and I was thinking about my commitment to this goal. Am I committed? Yes. Can I do a better job? Yes.

Its hard. Its hard when Im here at home by myself. No one is here to see what I eat, no one is looking, no one has to know what goes on. Obviously the scale tells all my lonely secrets, but through out the day there really is not one single thing to stop me from devouring my entire fridge. I guess I could walk more, read more, sleep more, do anything to stop. But to catch yourself in that moment and say hey knock it off, is sooo hard when that jar of peanut butter looks sooo good after a day of lettuce and meat.

Moral of the story is: I can do better, I can try harder. I can move more and eat less.

Sunday, July 3, 2011

Day Twenty One - 21 days

Well they say it takes 21 days to make a habit right? So am I a life long exerciser now? We'll see....
Went to Jazzercise again today at the crack of dawn, will be there again tomorrow to burn some pre BBQ calories.
Apparently when one goes to the pool on a 90 degree day, one must reapply their sunscreen to prevent burning. Yeah, I'm burnt. My back, because I didn't put any on back there, and my shoulders. So it was an indoor day for Katie for the rest of the day today. Maybe I will be pool ready by Tuesday. Since I am off from work this week I plan to spend some good quality time in the pool. Its a nice leisurely second workout. Yesterday I got in and kept walking back and forth for 20 minutes. Took a break, then did another 20 of walking and treading. Then the flock of children showed up and my time was done. I hope its not too crowded during the week. Im not sure what else Im going to do exercise wise, I can only do Jazz Hands so many days in a row. It will be an interesting week, the structure of the work day helps keep me in check. Im going to have to be extra strong!

Saturday, July 2, 2011

Day Nineteen & Twenty - Back at it!

I was so tired last night, I forgot to post! Busy busy day at work. I did not get to go down and exercise, I just had too much to do and did not want to have to stay late. So I didn't exercise, and I did not weigh in. I'm surprised he did not come looking for me! I could of very well forgot too, he does that. He is on vacation next week and so I am! My plan is to be at my goal weight on 7/11, our first day back.
I got on the scale today and I am up 5 lbs. I haven't done much this week, ate whatever, drank very little water. Im hoping at least half of that is water weight, and go away quickly. So, I need to lose 13 lbs over the next 10 days....
I got up and went to 8 AM jazzercise, I haven't been in a week. I dropped a weight on my foot which was lovely. I tried to pretend like it didn't hurt and just kept on going. Its not too bad now, just sore to the touch, will probably be a nice bruise. When Im laying around being lazy, eating crap, I hate the thought of having to exercise or eat healthy. But once I get up and do it, it changes my whole outlook on everything. I'm so glad I went this morning. I feel ready to really be back on track, to exercise daily, to count my calories, which I did not do all week either.
Its going to be ok, Im going to make it. Im going to sweat like its my job this week. I have jazzercise, I have an elliptical, I have Wii, I have a pool, so many options out there.
Its 90 degree's and Im heading to the pool now!