Thursday, June 30, 2011

Day Eighteen - Snatch

I woke up this morning, still hurting. First thing I did when I get to work was go down to the gym and see what Brent had planned for todays workout, to see if I could do it or not. It was a lot of the same exercises we did on tuesday, one specifically that I was sure that put me in this situation. Brent said too bad, be there! And there I was. There were only 3 of us in class today, so we got lots of special personal attention. We went along through the workout, and I was sore put pushing through. The one I thought that hurt me was towards the end, the dumbbell snatch. As soon as I did the first one, I knew that was it! That was the culprit! But I kept going. It hurt, but at the same time it was working it out too. For todays 'finisher', he had the other 2 girls sprint on the treadmill, I got more personal special treatment. He has these huge giant rubber band type things, he tied them together, then put one around his waist and one around mine. Then I got to try to run away, with his big ass as an anchor. I kinda liked it actually. Each time I tried to get further then I did the time before. I guess that is one way to make me run, he is smart!
I was also informed today that I will be in the boot camp class again when they start back up. This is the last week of his sessions, he is off for a week, then the next session starts. I was hoping to go back to basic training, I had no plans for boot camp! There is so much that is so hard for me to do! I dont really get a choice though, do I?

Tomorrow will be my third weigh in. I have no idea what to expect. I have not weighed myself since last friday. If I am not eating right and doing what I am supposed to, I dont bother to weigh and see where I am at. We will find out. I could gain 1 pound, I could gain 7, I have no clue what will happen.

Im attaching a link of good old Brent doing the exercise that injured me. He has all kinds of videos on his you tube channel, you can see all the crazy stuff he makes me do.

Wednesday, June 29, 2011

Day Seventeen - Ouch

I'm injured! Whatever I did yesterday during Brent's speed workout was not good for my back. I was probably doing something wrong. Sometimes my back is sore, but this is like real pain! I did not exercise today, he wasn't too pleased. It hurt to walk down there just to say I wasnt going to exercise, I was never going to make it on the treadmill for an hour.
I told him I was having a hard time with nutrition this week, he wants me to call or email him when Im feeling discouraged. I don't know. I'm just not that type of person. Id rather stew, and be angry than talk about it. I know this is not the right choice, but one step at a time here. It's bad enough I'm spilling it all here, and you want me to tell you how I feel to your face? I would die if he found this blog by the way.
I'm hoping I feel back to normal tomorrow, or at least somewhat for his workout.

Tuesday, June 28, 2011

Day Sixteen - Life is hard, food is easy

Great workout today! I love when we do stuff I can do. I hate stuff that involves getting up and down off the floor. Everything was standing today, I dig it. No crying here today peeps!

I still don't have my eating completely back together. I think I've eaten ice cream every day since Saturday. I'm clearly not going to make my goal by Friday, but that is ok. I'm doing what I can for the moment. I have been looking at a lot of different nutritional plans, seeing what works for other people. There is no reason why I cant make this work for me, I just need to find my flow. My mind says eat less, the world says eat more. I don't know. Really, its day 16, I shouldn't have to be thinking about these things. This should be the sweet honeymoon, but apparently my bones enjoy being covered in fat.
This is why I stop, this is when I say whats the point, this is when I wonder maybe this is just the way I am meant to me, and this is usually where I gain another 20.
Being fat is hard, losing weight is hard. Time to pick my hard, and I'm pretty sure I don't want the fat one.
Have I mentioned hate hard?

Monday, June 27, 2011

Day Fifteen - Do

Well, at least I exercised today. That's a step in the right direction. I feel so lost right now. Like something I put my whole heart and soul into has failed me, and I don't know where to go next. Pretty dramatic for one bad week out of a whole two, but that's how I feel. I'm going to start doing what I think is right this week, regardless of what Brent thinks. I think this may be a bigger project then he bargained for.
Pretty sure I am not going to make my 15lb goal this Friday, but Im going to keep plugging along. I did not get like this in a matter of weeks, and its going to take a lot longer than a few weeks to fix this. I just have to keep going. This is the rest of my life. There is no quit, there is no fail, there is only DO

Sunday, June 26, 2011

Day Thirteen & Fourteen - Rogue

I've been under the radar this weekend, doing as I please. Not exercising, eating whatever, resorting back to the old Katie. Because of course, when things don't go your way, and you don't lose any weight, its best to lay around and eat crap. That always makes everything better....

Anyway, I'm back to the grind tomorrow. Back to work, back to exercise, back to salad and chicken.

Friday, June 24, 2011

Day Twelve - 1

I lost 1 lb today, .8 really.
That is what I worked hard for, that is what I exercised 9 times this week for, that is what I cried for, that is what I sweat for, that is what I jogged for, that is what I hurt for.
That is all.

Thursday, June 23, 2011

Day Eleven - Resurrect

Not a bad day today. A good workout with Brent actually, not easy but not too hard. My ankles are really hurting tonight, I hope its better for tomorrow. Tomorrow is weigh in #2, I have no idea what to expect. I'm surely not expecting another 5 lbs. We will see. I'm also going to tell him how hard this week has been on my body and see what he has to say.
In other news, we had a bad storm the other night and all my post its came down with the wind. Just a few were left. I've tried to resurrect it, but its not too pretty and keeps falling. I'm going to have to break out the tape and see what I can do. Hopefully there will be a few that I don't have to put back up tomorrow.
Going to bed extra early tonight, so I can wake up happy and ready for another week tomorrow.

Wednesday, June 22, 2011

Day 10 - Enough

I’ve had enough today. I’m tired, physically and mentally. My body is sore from yesterday’s workout. But the exercise never stops. Had to do the treadmill today again on 7.5 incline. My legs were just not having it, I ended up going a half mile per hour slower than he wanted me to. But I figure it was better to just keep going, even if it was slow then to quit. I really wanted to quit it all today. This is my breaking point. I’m so tired of this, and it’s only the beginning. How am I supposed to make it through just to the end of summer, lets not even think further ahead then that right now! He wants me to add more 2adays to my schedule. I’m working out 9 times a week, what more can I give? I’m so tired. I know I have a bunch of supporters behind me, but really I am alone in this. I’m the one that has to get up and move everyday, I’m the one that has to eat salad every single day. I’m the one that has to think about every single action every single day. I know I said in one of my first posts that I got myself here and I have to get myself out, but really….. I need help, and I cant have it. It’s so hard. This is the moment where in any other attempt I have made that I give up. Whatever I do, it’s never enough. I can’t exercise enough, I can’t eat any less, I can’t take anymore. That’s really how I feel right this very moment. And truthfully, nothing bad has happened today. He just wants more exercise. I’m not sure he gets what its like to move around carrying this much weight. No, I’m not sure, I’m positive he doesn’t know. A lot of people don’t know. I wish I could keep a 100 pound vest with and randomly hand it out and say “Here, now do some jumping jacks,” or “Here, go climb 30 flights of stairs.”  
Every night when I go to bed my knees are screaming. If I sit too long, I get kinda stuck getting up. I have to just stand there and let my body warm up a bit before I can make it move. My calves hurt, my shins hurt, my ankles hurts, my whole damn leg hurts. My body is reaching its boiling point with all this exercise. This isnt Biggest Loser, the is no one to rub me down and pack me with ice at the end of the day. Im tired, Im cranky, now I have to go to school.... Tomorrow promises to be a ton of fun.

Tuesday, June 21, 2011

Day Nine - Jog

Well, you know a Brent workout is going to be an interesting day. Today we did 4 rounds of push ups, squats  romanian dead lifts, kettle bell swings, and reverse crunches. That was enough to have probably anyone sweaty and out of breath. Then there is what Brent likes to call The Finisher. Sometimes we go to the stairs and go from the basement to 5 over and over until we want to die. Sometimes we do a million lunges or wall sits. Sometimes we sprint on the treadmill. Well I don't sprint, Obviously. That is when I lost it last week. Our finisher was on the treadmill on a 15 incline, going way faster than I would like. Today was on the treadmill, jumping jacks, treadmill, burpees, repeat x3.

I start on the treadmill, I set it to a speed where I thought I would be walking fast. I'm not sure what I was really thinking now looking back because I know I was pushed to tears last time at a much lower speed. So he says go, I hop on and I'm moving. And its going way to fast. Suddenly I'm jogging to keep up. WTF I'm jogging! Then its time to switch. I try to do jumping jacks, I'm kinda stepping side to side. Brent is in my face "Jump! Lift your feet off the ground!" This body does not leave the ground, he has a hard time getting that. Then Its back to the treadmill, and there I am jogging again somehow. And a girl shouts out "Good Job Katie!"  I think that made my whole day. I don't know this girl, she has been in my class a few times. But those few words really meant the world to me. I hear it from Brent a lot, but when it comes from other people I think its extra special. They don't have to say anything, they don't have to try to be nice or help me finish strong. But when that one person does, its amazing.
            I finish up the rest of the rounds, still jogging! With all the on/off, its only really a minute or two of jogging. But this 359 pound girl was not walking!!

Yeah, then I cried. I don't really know why this time. I didn't feel pushed like I did last week. I think I was happy, feeling accomplished, of what I just did. I think the build up of emotion gets to me. I work so hard hard I just break mentally, good or bad. I hung out in the hallway trying to get it together, then I headed for the stairs. Yes, I take the stairs back to me desk after all that, every day. Half because its just the right thing to do, half because I'm afraid I smell too bad to get in the elevator.

Monday, June 20, 2011

Day Eight - Inclined

Monday. Tough time getting up and moving today, but I made it somehow. Brent was eagerly awaiting my appearance at the gym when I arrived. He was ready to kick things up a notch again. He moved me to a 7.5 incline, and also wanted me to increase the speed. Was not very sure at all how I was going to make it on a 7.5 incline. And then increase my speed too? I'm only 5'5, I have little limbs, they dont move very fast. I did my best to keep up. I lowered the speed once my heart rate went into the 170's, but I never touched that incline. And I made it! In fact, when my 40 minutes was up I was at 692 calories burned, I kept going to reach 700.

I started wearing my heart rate monitor to my workouts now so I can know exactly how much I am burning. A lot of people have asked me about walking on such an incline on the treadmill and why he makes me do it. Here is the secret: 40 minutes got me 700 calories burned. 40 minutes of Jazzercise today 470 calories burned. You can easily burn double, or even triple the calories you normally would just by increasing the incline. So slow it down and hike it up people!

Sunday, June 19, 2011

Day Seven - Week one done

We are at the end of the week, and the start of a new one. I cant believe day 7 is done already. Today was a busy day starting with Jazzercise bright and early at 8, then out and about for fathers day stuff. Im exhausted and ready for bed. Seems I have nothing exciting to say unless I have a Brent workout. Im sure the upcoming week will be productive.

Saturday, June 18, 2011

Day Six - Not today

Welcome to the weekend! Weekends can be really tough, we lose the structure that the weekdays provide us. We have time on our hands to think about food more, or we have no time that can force us into bad choices. Last Saturday I was in a bad place. It was gloomy outside, and my outlook was gloomy. I slept most of the day, felt angry that the scale wasn't dropping it like its hot, and I made some pretty bad food choices as a result. What a difference a week makes! I had a great day today! I was kinda freaked out all week that I wasn't going to make my weekly weight loss goal, things didn't seem to be moving even though I was following my plan to the T. But losing the weight yesterday, and receiving all the excitement from Brent really turned my outlook around. We had a high five moment where he said "Who loses a pound a day?" And we both shouted "I do!" I keep reliving that moment over and over in my head. This IS going to happen! I might not lose 5lbs every single week, but all I need to do is keep moving my body, and fueling it right, and things will happen.

I woke up with a headache this morning, feeling like I really wanted to go back to bed. Since I started exercising Monday - Friday a few weeks ago, I usually end up sleeping all Saturday just to recover. But not today. I dragged my butt to Jazzercise. I only stayed for the cardio portion and skipped the strength training, but I went. And I will go again tomorrow, I plan to stay the whole time. I also dug my heart rate monitor out of its three year hibernation. I want to track my exercise with accuracy. It was a little sad to see the last time I used it my weight was 304, but that's ok. Ill be there soon.

To track my 85 lb summer goal I put 85 post-its on my wall, next to my bed. A nice visual reminder, and its fun to take the post-its down when I lose the pounds! Here is what it looks like, with 80-85 already down of course!

Friday, June 17, 2011

Day Five - Still Alive

See my little friend down there, all the way at the bottom of the page, she moved! I lost 5.4 pounds for my first week! I was worried it wasn't going to happen, but it did! Brent was so happy he hugged me!
For those of you who follow me on MyFitnessPal, that is my total loss since starting at the gym, on my home scale. What will be here is strictly my losses on Brent's scale since the start of this challenge. I like his scale much better!

I've been so focused on this first 85lb goal, I forgot to tell you about my first mini goal. Brent has promised prizes along the way! I like prizes! My first mini goal is 15 lbs by 7/1. And the prize? An extra day of working out with Brent, one on one. Not what I had in mind......... But Ill take all the help I can get. Only 9.6 more lbs to go!

Today was a good day, 60 minutes on the treadmill on a 6 incline, and 40 minutes of Jazzercise tonight. I ate dinner just a bit ago, but still kinda hungry. Might just go to bed early.

Thursday, June 16, 2011

Day Four - Hard

Another tough day for me, just like I predicted. Woke up with minimal time to get up and out of the house to work. I was tired before the workout even began, but there I was at 11 AM just like every other day. Brent has a couple of different workout classes, the two main ones are Basic Training, for beginners and the unfit like me, and Boot Camp, which is for people more in shape already looking to improve their fitness or tone up. I'm in Basic Training, where I belong. Mr. Brent decided this week the class moved on the Boot Camp. Hmph.  I thought Tuesday was hard, today was worse. We do our exercises in intervals. In Basic its usually 45 seconds doing an exercise, 15 seconds rest, or sometimes even 30 seconds on, 30 off. Boot Camp today was 90 seconds on, 15 off. And the 15 second 'rest' isn't even rest because you have to haul ass to the next station and be prepared to start. Boot Camp is also filled with all kinds of things I can't/shouldn't do, like jumping rope. This mass does not jump. I did try though. His alternative was walking the treadmill on a 15 incline that nearly killed me. Other exercises are push ups and planks. Do you know how long it takes me to get down on the floor? And then you give me 15 seconds to get up and 'rest'. Everything was just really hard for me today and I really hate hard. Hard is why I am fat. Hard causes me to retreat to my safety zone. Hard makes me quit. Hard pushes me outside of my comfort zone. But that is where I am supposed to be. That is why I have a trainer, because I would never do hard without him.
Hard also makes me cry. I went to the bathroom after my workout and just cried. Just a release of stress and emotion I guess. We already know I feel a lot of things while sweating my ass off, today was just enough to push me over the edge.
And then you have the 120 pound, booty short wearing, skinny girls in the class watching my every move. Now that things are harder, I am obviously not able to keep up as much as before. I hate to feel like a spectacle. Why is it every time I am hauling my big ass up off the ground, you are looking at me? Yes, I have sweat dripping off me, I know its not cute. Yes, I am breathing heavy, I'm trying to stay alive.  Yes, sometimes I just stand there to catch a break until Brent sees me. But I'm here to get healthy just like you are, please don't make me feel like a zoo animal on display.
The rest of my day was good. I'm actually looking forward to my double workout day tomorrow and my first official weigh in!

Wednesday, June 15, 2011

Day Three - School Daze

I put my shoes on at 7 this morning, I just took them off a bit ago at quarter to 10. Long day. School started today, my very last class I need to finish my Bachelors in Accounting. School has been my downfall and my excuse for a lot of my weight issues for a long time. If you know me, you know Ive been going to college forever! But when you work full time, taking classes at night can be tough. And if you really know me, you know I dont do late night. Im an early to bed kind of girl. Usually in bed between 9-10. And yes, sometimes before that. And yes, sometimes before the sun has set. So working 7-4, then sitting in class from 6-10 is really rough on me.I developed a terrible habit of eating crap before class, then stopping for that amazing 4th meal on the way home too. There is nothing better for your health then stuffing you face at 11pm and going straight to bed with all that sitting in your stomach. Going to bed late leads me to be tired the next day, too lazy to cook/exercise, the cycle goes on. But it has to be different this time. And thank the dear sweet lord that this is my last and final class. I only have to get through 9 more weeks.
How did I do tonight you ask? I came prepared, or so I thought. I brought a healthy dinner with me to work, ate it before class. As soon as I got to that classroom I felt like I was starving! My mind just knows "Ohh act hungry and we will get crap, yeah! party!"  Luckily class seemed to go fast and I made it through. I told myself I would go straight home, eat a piece of string cheese, take a shower, blog, then bed. And that my friends is exactly what I did. I realize that its day 3, and it wont always be that easy, but I really hope it is!

I did exercise today if you're wondering. 60 minutes on the treadmill at a 6 incline. Its a given that I will be tired tomorrow, and it will be my work out with Brent, but Ill make it. Why? Because were committed! Yeah! Who's up past their bedtime and getting nutty? Me!

Tuesday, June 14, 2011

Day Two - Committed

Tuesdays and Thursdays are my workouts with Brent. They are tough! We do about an hour of circuit training, with all kinds of fun stuff you would never ever do unless someone was standing over you making you. Today was an extra tough one, he turned up the intensity level a notch. There was some swearing, some crying out for Jesus to save me, and lots of sweat. I made it through, just like I always do. I decided today that I am committed to this. I mean, of course I am, I agreed to this whole deal. But Im really committed, through thick and thin. I will show up every single day, and I will get my sweat on every single day. No matter what.
Now, Im sure the day will come when I will look at your crazy if you need to remind me of this post, but I will show up. I commit to you, I commit to me, I commit to Brent. 
I will show up.

Monday, June 13, 2011

Day One - The Quivering Lip

It's Day One, and it isn't. Day One of this new challenge, but I have been prepping for this, I'm ready and I'm going to just continue doing what I have been for the last few weeks.

I popped up wide awake at 5AM ready to get the day started, I would regret that later.
MY plan for the day was 40 minutes on the treadmill during my lunch break and 60 minutes of Jazzercise after work. 100 minutes of cardio, a nice solid number. Brent had other ideas, he wanted 60 minutes on the treadmill, making my cardio 120 for the day. Here is where that popping up at 5AM was a bad idea. I was tired on the treadmill, the extra 20 minutes more than enough to put me over the edge. I'm sensitive when I'm tired, it makes me extra emotional. I start to think about how much I want to get off the treadmill, but how much I cant. I feel the tears start to boil from way down below, my lip starts to quiver. But wait, I'm in a room full of people, suck it up! Instead I think about why I want to cry. I cry because I'm tired, because I hurt, because I want to be done. I cry because I am so far from done on this journey, its barely began. I cry because I made this journey so long. I cry because I'm sticky and gross at this point, sweat pouring down my face and chest for the tears I will not let go in this gym. I cry for the exhaustion, I cry for the pain. I cry for the years that made me this way, I cry for the years it will take to fix it. And I do all this without crying, with just the unnoticeable quiver of my lip. I'm in a room full of people, I just keep going. Every day I carry these thoughts, everyday I want to cry and everyday I just keep going.

It ended up being a really good workout, I made it to the end and I was proud. I always feel so good afterwards, I try to remember that. After work I headed to Jazzercise, by this point I'm beyond tired and it shows. I was all over the place and slow moving. But I kept moving for the whole hour, even if I was making my own dances at some point.
Finally home to shower and eat dinner. I think I will sleep really good tonight, I already feel better knowing it is just a one workout day tomorrow.

Sunday, June 12, 2011

This is it

Tomorrow is the big day! I will officially start my journey to lose half my weight in one year. Think I came up with this idea all on my own? Think again. This happens to be the great thinking of my personal trainer.

I started working out with Brent about 2 years ago. I went to the class twice a week, and that is pretty much it. Never followed the eating plan, never did additional exercise. Needless to say, I did not get any significant results. Here I am, a few years later, 50 lbs heavier. Brent continued to invite me to join the classes again. He asked me, asked my friends, asked my mom, anyone he could get to listen, he would ask them to get me back into the fitness game. He sees the real me, he sees whats going on. I'm a walking, talking, heart attack waiting to happen. At 30 years old, I am 5'5 and 365 lbs. Its now or never. Its time to change my life, or die.
On one of Brent's latest attempts to get me to join again, he had a friend of mine ask me again if I would come back. I told her to tell him I will come if I can come for free. He was NOT supposed to say yes. What kind of personal trainer does it for free! This one does, this one really cares. The deal was I could come for free as long as I came every single day, did not gain weight,  and followed what he said. I've been doing that for a month now. And now comes the master plan.

Brent is rather confident that I can get down to 185 within a years time. His excitement makes me believe I can do it too. This is not going to be fun, that's for sure. But I have to get it done. His first goal for me is to lose 85 lbs over the next 16 weeks. If I don't make it, party over, his services will no longer be free.
I plan to post here daily, about how my day went, what I did, what I ate perhaps.

I'm about to exit my comfort zone, and let life take over.