Thursday, June 16, 2011

Day Four - Hard

Another tough day for me, just like I predicted. Woke up with minimal time to get up and out of the house to work. I was tired before the workout even began, but there I was at 11 AM just like every other day. Brent has a couple of different workout classes, the two main ones are Basic Training, for beginners and the unfit like me, and Boot Camp, which is for people more in shape already looking to improve their fitness or tone up. I'm in Basic Training, where I belong. Mr. Brent decided this week the class moved on the Boot Camp. Hmph.  I thought Tuesday was hard, today was worse. We do our exercises in intervals. In Basic its usually 45 seconds doing an exercise, 15 seconds rest, or sometimes even 30 seconds on, 30 off. Boot Camp today was 90 seconds on, 15 off. And the 15 second 'rest' isn't even rest because you have to haul ass to the next station and be prepared to start. Boot Camp is also filled with all kinds of things I can't/shouldn't do, like jumping rope. This mass does not jump. I did try though. His alternative was walking the treadmill on a 15 incline that nearly killed me. Other exercises are push ups and planks. Do you know how long it takes me to get down on the floor? And then you give me 15 seconds to get up and 'rest'. Everything was just really hard for me today and I really hate hard. Hard is why I am fat. Hard causes me to retreat to my safety zone. Hard makes me quit. Hard pushes me outside of my comfort zone. But that is where I am supposed to be. That is why I have a trainer, because I would never do hard without him.
Hard also makes me cry. I went to the bathroom after my workout and just cried. Just a release of stress and emotion I guess. We already know I feel a lot of things while sweating my ass off, today was just enough to push me over the edge.
And then you have the 120 pound, booty short wearing, skinny girls in the class watching my every move. Now that things are harder, I am obviously not able to keep up as much as before. I hate to feel like a spectacle. Why is it every time I am hauling my big ass up off the ground, you are looking at me? Yes, I have sweat dripping off me, I know its not cute. Yes, I am breathing heavy, I'm trying to stay alive.  Yes, sometimes I just stand there to catch a break until Brent sees me. But I'm here to get healthy just like you are, please don't make me feel like a zoo animal on display.
The rest of my day was good. I'm actually looking forward to my double workout day tomorrow and my first official weigh in!


  1. I am so proud of you. Is there some skinny chick checking out how much you sweat? Maybe. Make her your freaking inspiration. Take her hTe (whether real or imagined) and turn it around so you have yet another thing to push you.

    In the meantime, know that you amaze me and you inspire me. The fact that you are brave enough to do the classes inspires me even more than everything else about you.

  2. SO proud of you for getting the "hard" done!!!!! You are doing amazing things....don't let one person who couldn't possibly ever understand what we've been through be more than a fly on your wall. Next time blow her a kiss!!!!

  3. First, I am so proud of you! Pushing yourself beyond the comfort zone means that you will succeed at this! Don't worry about the looks, you are doing this for you and you only!

  4. just go and do what you need to do. there is always gonna be some skinny twitch lookin at all the other people in the room. you are doing fabulous!